My Love/Hate Relationship with Resolutions
I’ve been facing some conflicting and frustrating feelings around New Year’s Resolutions, so I thought I’d get real with you…
My values conflict…
On the one hand, part of my job and business centers on the importance of progress and habit-building. I believe in the power habits can have on the overall quality of life. And now is the perfect time for a business like mine to be talking about all things habits etc… right?
On the other hand…I don’t want to contribute to the noise that makes us feel like
we should change because we are not enough, we are broken, and we need to be and do more to be fixed.
I found myself feeling cringy about making content because I do not want to shame-bait my way into getting more business.
So I sat with these feelings and realized I needed to detangle a couple of truths:
Truth 1. The “Fresh Start” Effect is a real thing.
Psychologists have found that a clean slate and a new beginning (like a new year) IS a great time to embark on a new change. (notice I said “embark…not ‘master’...more on that later).
This is because our patterns are disrupted, which clears a path to establish new ones.
So if the New Year has you feeling inspired and motivated, that makes sense to me!
Truth 2… Capitalism…is also a real thing.
Capitalism takes this normal aspect of human psychology and weaponizes it against you. Capitalism says
“Not only could you change, but you should change! You are obviously not enough, and here is what you need to do (and buy) to become attractive, powerful, productive enough to feel worthy…therefore…permanently happy forever!!”
Not only that, but you need to prove that you are STRONG enough to make these changes all by yourself!
So…if New Year’s Resolutions produce a feeling of shame, or failure, and you want to stay far away from it…that also makes sense to me.
Here’s what happens when we entangle these two truths:
We not only think “I could” change, but I “should” change…and I need to do it right now!!”
We declare a change, and then two weeks into January (the 2nd Friday in Jan. is international quitters day…) our new change falls away, and we default to our already existing patterns.
Why?...
BECAUSE THAT IS HOW OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED!
It has next-to-nothing to do with our discipline or willpower! (read that again!)
Now that we’ve detangled, let’s discuss what to do about it…
1. Choosing our Resolutions:
I examined my 10, and realized a recurring pattern about those who thrived in the club, vs. those who struggled.
Those who struggle arrived from a place of lack…
They felt they were not enough, they were the problem that needed to be fixed, and they wanted me to fix it for then.
Whereas those who thrived arrived from a palace of love.
“I love to paint, I just haven’t made the time for it in a while and want to reincorportate it”
“I have all these ideas I’m excited to share, I just want the support to stick with it when things get difficult.”
They arrived from a desire to put their values, their loves, and their ideas into action in a systemic, habitual, sustainable way.
Keep this pattern in mind while you’re choosing your resolution.
Is it coming from a place of lack or a place of love?
What are you trying to express?
Mind you, two people can have the same exact goal, i.e going to the gym everyday.
Person 1: “If I’m in shape, then I’ll feel like I’m enough.” (lack)
Person 2: “If I get in shape, then I can continue doing the things I love, with people that I love into my 80’s.” (love)
(PS… “I’ll love myself when I lose 15 pounds”... is lack, just wearing a shitty “love” disguise).
2. How we can make the “Fresh Start Effect” work for us (shame-free!)
Let’s assume you’ve chosen a resolution out of love.
Remember when I said the New Year was a great time to embark on a new change, not master one?
The New Year is a great to to BUILD THE SYSTEMS THAT SUPPORT the change!
And we’ll do so slowly with intention, specificity, grace, and curiosity.
Use this time to set it all up:
-What are the one-and-done tasks that get the ball rolling?
-What are the skills/knowledge/tools I need to move forward?
-How can I set up my space to encourage this change?
-What is the “show up” strategy you will experiment with first?
-What’s the what, when, where, why, how, and who on this first go?
Rather than “making a new change,” let’s use this time to “conduct a new experiment.”
That way if January 15th rolls around and it doesn’t go the way you planned, you can replace “I failed” with “the experiment failed…how fascinating” and then try something new.
No one changes completely and permanently on January 1st.
But it is a GREAT time to start building this new life!
Let’s greet 2026 aligned in our values with intention, specificity, and curiosity!